\tFew years ago I did a bit of babysitting for my neighbour who was also my ethics (and later philosophy) teacher Garry (https://alethe.me/garry/cant%20you%20see%20what%20you%20are%20doing%3F/) and his wife Cynthia. They had a cute then six years old girl Susie I loved to play with so it was kind of a job which gave me both a bit of money and great pleasure. One of the games Susie adored to play was “doing the honors of the house”. Apparently the idea was taken from one of the fair lady stories and infused with seeing her father's colleagues coming to their house for a cup of tea or maybe something more spirituous. The dialogues between the fairies were taking somewhat unexpected turns:\n \t“Oh dear, the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust” was saying one.\n \t“Of course, dear, life has no meaning a priori…” was answering another \n \tAnd as it happens with everything children find drawing attention from adults repeating overheard phrases became one her favorite tricks. She hardly were able to understand what she was saying but as kids in a priest's families are getting soaked with incense smell Susie got impregnated with odor of philosophy and at least some ideas remained in her head until she could grasp them.\n \tThen I lost close contact with their family for few years and Susie caught my attention when she was already in her early teens. I hardly was able to recognize her dressed in all black - leather trousers and jacket densely studded with metal spikes and long dyed black hair. On her way out of school, aside from all her classmates, she looked like a resurrected heavy metal fan from early eighties. Having catched my gaze she stopped and snapped tiredly:\n \t“What? I like this music” ” apparently she already answered a lot of question about her attire.\n \t“Ok, I just wasn't sure if it's you. How things are going?”\n \t“Fine” it seemed that though she didn't want to talk to me she didn't want to walk away either.\n \t“How is Garry?” he has left the school couple of years before I had graduated and we missed our quaint and funny teacher.\n \t“He now lives with my grandpa. Grandpa is going to die soon, he's got a cancer or something. Dad is watching him, I actually was going to see him today”\n \t“Oh, I'm sorry” I said. And I was really sorry - my grandies were the closest ones to me so losing any of them would be a great loss to me.\n \t“That's ok” said Susie in the most indifferent voice, “anyway we all die” and her eyes betrayed her - again they were waiting for signs of surprise and excitement.\n \t“Who did say this to you?" and here I did what should never do when talking to a child - smiled at her words. At the moment I was looking after two young boys and knew very well that casting even slightest doubt on their authority inevitably inflicts a burst of self-affirming behaviour. To my surprise Susie only gently curved her mouth with the slightest expression of annoyance like if saying “oh yes I see you don't take me seriously, but I don't give a fuck either” and then said:\n \t“I don't remember, must be from a biology textbook"\n \t“Ok, never mind” it sounded awkward and I tried to change the theme “Cool dress, by the way, is it a music style?”\n \t“Death metal” \n \t“Cool” it didn't sound too persuasive…\n \t“Yeah, my mom also hates it”\n \t“No, I don't hate it, I just looks em, “\n \t“Like I'm too young for this stuff?”\n \t“Well, no, actually it looks utterly childish” well, so much for a future psychologist… “but it fits your really well, it's nice” I tried to fix my gaucherie but it was too late.\n \t“Why it's childish?” this time I really got her - she stared at me angrily. Damn it, come what may.\n \t“Ok, that's quite common - teens who feel like they lack attention, dress unusually or do stuff which they think can be noticed. And doing or wearing scary things is one of the most frequent stunts”. \n She paused thinking for a moment.\n \t“It's normal, lots of adults do it too” I added, just in case.\n \t“I don't feel like I need more attention, I'm sure I'd be happy if everybody would disappear”\n \tI thought I got a classic case of teenage mood disorder and tried to recollect what I read in my psychology books about it. I must admit that at that time I had quite a mess in my head so I've decided to try the existential approach - help Susie to see her real problems and understand the essence of her emotions. \n \t“Aren't you happy now?”\n \t“Of course I am, ok, I must go, dad is waiting for me to help him, bye”\n \tNo Susie, you don't get rid of me so easily.\n \t“Wait, I can give you a ride, are you going now to Garry?”\n \tShe hesitated a bit, it was more than a half hour to walk to her grandies house. \n \t“Ok, but no preaching”\n \t“Sure, I just wanted to help a bit, I got out of my teens only couple of years ago so I remember how it is” \n \tWe jumped in my car and while I was pulling out of the parking spot Susie said something but it immediately slipped out of my head because I was occupied with driving and when I finally was on the road and asked her to repeat she already didn't want to.\n \t“So, what was it? Ah, yeah, the Death metal thing.” I tried to sound relaxed and light-hearted.\n \t “You see, we've all been there, I mean in teens, and felt that nobody understands us and life sucks and wanted everybody to disappear. I still remember myself very well in this age. To sum up, the problem is that you don't have a purpose. I didn't have it too. You neither know why you live nor how to do. So you waste lots of time being sulky and doing nothing, loads of precious time you gonna lack very much later” I still was a newby driver and was afraid to move my eyes away from the road to look at Susie. She seemed to be ok and I continued.\n \t“You just need find something, something you can enjoy and try to make it your living, not now of course, but you can dream about it, try it, study, read about. It makes your life full. It makes sense out of it.” the idea looked so nice and clear in my head but the words it was turning into sounded like limping freaks. Susie still sit calm and although I wasn't sure if she was really listening it was deadly encouraging. I kept talking about self motivation, self control and the importance of the constant improve of the self esteem so when we arrived to her dad's house I was not yet finished but I had to shut up to concentrate on parking. Susie jumped out the car and turned back like she was going to say her thanks.\n \t“Ok,” she said, “so why?”\n \t“What why?” I already pulled down the handbrake and was about to pull back.\n \t“You said you didn't know why you live, do you know now?”\n \t“You mean the purpose? Well, no, not really, but that's the point” I was already blocking the street with my car and somebody was impatiently honking.\n \t“Ask your father, he has lots of books about it, he knows” I had to watch the road and when glanced back she was already gone.\n barely Oh yeah, I remember that day very well. I think I'll write about it. here you are: link \n that's what happened right after you left link