It's been almost ten years since those events but I still remember it very well. You can read it following replies one by one. one. All this happened right after link \tFew days ago I was reminded about a very interesting moment in my life I have already almost forgotten about. At that time I had been temporarily, as I thought, staying at my dad's house cause he was almost helpless and I had to look after him. I had to cook, feed him, wash closes and effectively had another work shift after a couple of daily lectures in my college. Naturally, I was always tired, underslept and irritated. Dad was absolutely weak but still in good, or at least stable, health so I could not expect him to die soon and didn't know how long this may continue. And the uncertainty made it even more exhausting. The other cause of my anguish was his perspective towards me. Since I remember myself, I was a disappointment to him. Not able to swim, not able to ride the bicycle like all boys do (I hate fast ride), not getting good grades, not being able to get into good university, and finally not getting good job, wife and even daughter was either too slim or too fat. I thought that I learned how to ignore him well yet back in school, fortunately he never allowed himself any violence so when I was charged with another reprimand I usually just solemnly nodded. But now he almost didn't speak though I'm sure was conscious. It was only his dying eyes still dumbly reproaching me. Half closed with trembling flabby eyelids kept saying “bummer, bummer, bummer…” and making me mad. And I actually didn't think I was a loser. I loved my job of a teacher, not very profitable but still stable and interesting. I had a wife, quite grumpy but still enough to keep sexual life dwelling. So not bursting with happiness but I still was satisfied with my life.\n \tMy wife and my daughter Susie lived on the other end of the city so I rarely was able to see them. Susie came to see her grandpa once but after trying to speak to him and being unable to get anything but a faint smile got scared and quickly escaped home. Yet couple of years ago they played dolls and I wouldn't believe my dad could do it if didn't seen myself. Last time she saw him he was still vivid and loving old man, the barely breathing wreck she saw now was quite a daunting contrast. Not for a young girl mind to deal with. \n \tThat's why I was utterly surprised when saw her on my porch. The matters quickly cleared up though - Susie looked frightened and it was obvious that she came not to see her grandpa. Must be something in school again and I had to comfort her - she had spats with her classmates periodically and my wife demanded me to play a psychoanalytic for her, I hated it. It was early spring rainy afternoon, when all this happened, I was about to roll dad to the bathroom to change his diaper cause shit already started to leak out and when heard Susie's knock-knock left him midway. \n \t“What now?” it sounded too hostile and I tried to soften it “Something in school?”\n \tSusie stepped back and produced the most annoyed grimace she was capable of. With a sheer taint of disgust and contempt, exactly like her mother does. \n \t“Get in, it's about to start raining" I tried to say in an amicable tone being afraid that she'll just run away.“you came in time, we were going to have tea”.\n \t“Are you going to have tea in the bathroom?” she saw dad's bed stretching from the doorway.\n \t“Ah, no, well, it would be great if you could prepare the table and I'll help grandpa with his stuff”\n She went into the kitchen right in the jacket and without changing her shoes. Something definitely has happened. I pushed dad into bathroom, and started to undress him. He was half-lying on top of complex engineering construction made from old iron bed put on office chair rollers and a plastic deckchair mounted on top to hold him up. The damn thing was pretty robust shit happened as usually in the most inappropriate moment. Tape holding roller frayed, roller got twisted, bed twitched its leg broke and dad desperately wheezing slid down and stopped kneeled and stuck between bed and wall. His diaper slipped down and shit splattered down his legs. To top it off I slipped on the wеt tiles when trying to pull father back up and ended up on the floor covered in shit. I tried to get up but slipped again and this time it ached terribly also dad moaned in displease. \n \tAll looked like it's better to postpone the tea party till better times, but still need to find out why did Susie come. Might be something important. I tried to get up a bit and said as calm yet loud voice:\n \t“Susie, honey, I'm sorry, I'm afraid we can't have tea today”\n \tI thought she was in the dining room and got quite frightened when heard her voice right from behind the door. The door was ajar and she must been able to see dad or at least his legs.\n \t“Dear, I'm really sorry, but we have a bit of a problem here, I'm don't know how much time I need to settle it. Could you please tell me what was it?”\n “What?”\n \t“Why did you come? Something in school?” tried to say I affectionately\n \t“No, nothing, Alice just gave me a ride”\n \t“But you wanted something?” I perfectly knew that she had something important on her mind what caused her to come here. She wouldn't come only to see me or grandpa. And it must be something not good.\n \t“Please, Susie, tell me now, I must I must carry on with grandpa” my patience has gone and it sounded somewhat aggressive. \n \t“Ok,” she immediately changed her tone to fit my anger, “what are you living for?”\t \n \tIt sounded more like an insult than a question. Sheer portion of scorn, each vowel steel cold each consonant rustles threat. Almost like my wife. I sighed, then tried to get up but butt ached again. I must have broken something there. When my women were speaking like that, and this used to happen quite often, I usually tried to avoid talking and wait an hour or two until they return to normal and we could continue. \n \t“Ok, never mind, I go home” this already was another Susie - desperate, irritated, ready to start crying. And this doesn't happen often. So the problem was really serious.\n \t“Hey, wait a second, we need to talk!” I again tried to reach dad to pull him back. But he was still a weighty geezer and instead of pulling him up I slid down and he fall atop on me so that I hardly was able to breath. \n \t“Susie, help me!” I shouted frightened that I got suffocated. Calling a twelve years old girl to dismember two elderly man smeared in shit was not a very good idea but I was scared indeed. Fortunately Susie was strong enough to drag dad a bit aside so I could breathe freely. \n \t“Thank you darling, you really saved my life”, \n \t“So why do you need it?”\n \t“To enjoy it of course”\n \t“What if you can't enjoy it anymore, would you give it up?”\n \t“Well, if I were terminally ill and had to suffer every day I'd consider this, yes. But otherwise I don't see any reason to do it”.\n \t“But you don't even enjoy it now and never enjoyed”\n \t“Why do you think so?”\n \t“Damn, it's obvious, what can you enjoy?! You have such a miserable job, wife who hates you, crappy car, no friends, nothing! And don't tell me that it's me who you live for and all this bullshit - I don't remember when you played with me or even talked about something but school”\n I \t“All might be true, but I still enjoy lots of things - morning coffee, afternoon tea” I was trying to come up with something more essential, but all slipped from my head so I even got frightened that I really don't have anything\n \t“And I have friends, not in the town, you know, internet friends - we exchange articles, critique, it's interesting. And students, it's really a pleasure to see ideas and knowledge I had in my head being planted in theirs”\n \t“You said they're all dumb asses” \n \t“Yeah, some of them really are, but there are still exceptions”\n \t“Is it all what you're living for? Is it worth all the humiliation you had to get through? You've been a loner in the school, haven't you? Also in college and...”\n \t“And also you are, aren't you? And today you just got enough of a bully at school, right?” Susie tried to get up but I snapped her arm.\n \t“Wait, I think I know something, a little bit of magic” continued I, “it's been a long time ago and I don't remember all details but there was a moment in my life when I understood that all the bullies and other people I'm not comfortable with do not matter a lot to me. At that time I was struggling with Economics, you know your granddad wanted me to become a big boss… so I didn't understand something there don't already remember what it was. And I was sitting in our classroom when I finally understood it, its logic. And I felt great, I felt confident in myself. I understood that I did something very few people can do. All bullies didn't disappear magically at the same moment of course but all their ripping became irrelevant. The bullies attacks are painful because whatever the words are, the essence of what they say is “you're miserable, you're loser”. And it resonates in your soul and you say to yourself “yes, I'm miserable, I'm loser”. But when you know there is something in you what makes you special, what you can enjoy all their mockery falls short. And they, by the way, perfectly feel it and leave you alone because they see you're invincible to their attacks. But getting rid of the bullies is only a nice bonus to it. The main thing is that you can enjoy your life no matter what happens around.”\n \t“And what I can do? Read Economics?” \n \t“You can try, but if you don't enjoy it put it aside. It doesn't matter if it's philosophy, dancing, singing, painting, macrame - whatever”\n \t“And what if I can't do anything?”\n \t“Yes, it's not simple, but everybody can do it. That's where the magic comes in. You don't need to wait to become a best at what you do to be happy. Being best matters of course, but it's not essential. You just need to learn how to enjoy a little bit of it. Then see how you can build up on it to move further. So you'll have a plan, a roadmap of your life, and each day will be an adventure on the this road. It might be not straightforward, you may not be able to see the whole map, but you'll fill your life with sense, the sense of movement to something new, something you've never done before”\n